Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
