i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
