I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So much rum. So many feels.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
