you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i wish my penis had a tongue
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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