So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
