i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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