I smell stomach acid.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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