I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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