Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
