I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They took my balls.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
