Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
