guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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