he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize