so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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