apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
