he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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