I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
