A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!