If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.