please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.