The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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