I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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