Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
That accounts for only three of the penises
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
