I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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