Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There are leaves in my underwear?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
