Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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