she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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