Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
