he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
