i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The air taste purple.
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