I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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