please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
