apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
