A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
