Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
