We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
