Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
MIDGETS
????
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
