please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
