Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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