running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
