Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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