Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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