please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
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Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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