halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sorry my hands just texted you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
