I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
