I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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