i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
