i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
