I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
