he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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