So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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