I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
