this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
