I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
