My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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