A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
someone get that fucking seahorse.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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