How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
