hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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