The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
