I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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