I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
