Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
