The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
