I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
