I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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